I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
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Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
“no gods no masters” = leo
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops