You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
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Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
my dog when i have a friend over
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that