I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
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Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done