Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.