To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
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“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
live, laugh, laundry.