BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.