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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
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gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo