Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
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BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”