Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
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This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
no!! no!!!!!!
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.