A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
They’re really bad with fonts.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant