wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.