Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
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4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
somewhere, in an alternate universe
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”