discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
A friend sent me this.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.