The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
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I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.