I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
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One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house