I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
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Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.