If I ignore life will it go away?
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[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.