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so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower