DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
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911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
mood
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?