My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
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A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
The honesty is refreshing
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.