[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
When someone says you are so lazy
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners