KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong