When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
You Might Also Like
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this