[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
ready to be harvested
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.