Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician