Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off