me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
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Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?