Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I laughed at this way too hard.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?