if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
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Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Oops I deleted….
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.