Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶