Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
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Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
*cough*