Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
english majors be like furthermore
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck