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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes