Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.