The sun is 100% solar-powered.
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!