I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
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I have obtained a hat
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Home is where your toilet is.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.