You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
The USS B port
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.