Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
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my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I am also baked goods
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing