One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
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[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!