it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
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Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]