Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
North and South
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.