Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that