Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
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The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs