The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
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[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
we’re gonna need another temp
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I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
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I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.