I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
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Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid