Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
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#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
crochet youtube is brutal
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!