I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
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How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*