I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
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I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker