Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
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I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.