What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
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Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Cat is stressing him out.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
security at the airport getting more straightforward